I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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