so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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