I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
