imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
