My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
