Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I need water and some morals
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
