My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
