ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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