So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
