Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
