I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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