What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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