Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
