at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
She told me I should be a condom model.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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