I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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