apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
