after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
