I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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