Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
