i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
