You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
