She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
