My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
