The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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