dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My bed smells like the plague
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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