If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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