I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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