We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
