My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
