I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
