i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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