I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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