Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
