You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
