Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Randomize
