You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
