Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
