mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
