so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
