Whod you bang
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize
