he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
