Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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