Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
