May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
And then he peed in my hair
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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