My liver just broke up with me...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
