for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I need to stop coming to work sober
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
