Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
