i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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