I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
