he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
