You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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